Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Drunken Ingenuity

Yesterday before heading off to  a Baseball game at Fenway Park I wanted a beer.  (what else is new?) But I had no way to open it.  The guy at the Liquor store tried to sell me a bottle opener for $.85  "No Way".  Instead I bought a small flask of Jim Beam (would of preferred Wild Turkey) and used it as a lever to pop the cap off my I.P.A.


Friday, January 20, 2012

The Beer Mile

Beer and running?
Yes please.

Over the last 100 years runners have become pansy's.  American Marathon times have plummeted in the last 30 years.  

Who's to blame?
I blame the sports drink companies have made us slow feeding us that high fructose corn syrup crap and H2O that stuffs  totally overrated over rated.

Did pirates drink Gatorade?
And I bet Black Beard could beat most Americans in a race even if he did have a peg leg.
Me Vs them
It's time to get in shape once again.

It was only my first try.  I shall get better!

I run for the Stone Brewing Company out of Escondido and my rations are running low and I don't want to get scurvy.   It's time to head down to the brewery and fill my car full of Ale.

My 2nd attempt at the beer mile I shall raise the ante!  Instead of 12 oz Pale ales I think I'll try my luck at drinking 4 22oz bottles of Arrogant Bastard.

Also on the horizon Superbowl Sunday in Redondo Beach.  A local reporter claimed I was gonna race a 5k drink a six pack and then race the 10k.  I didn't really know that was my plan but why the hell not.
Anyone wanna join me? I'll supply the Stone Ale to the first person that does

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Brewing his way to become our First President

Our Coutry needed a leader! Our country needed a man who could inebriate his constituents!

We needed a Home Brewer!

George Washington's brewing recipe

"To Make Small Beer"
Take a large Siffer [Sifter] full of Bran Hops to your Taste. Boil these 3 hours then strain out 30 Gall[ons] into a cooler put in 3 Gall[ons] Molasses while the Beer is Scalding hot or rather draw the Melasses (sic) into the cooler & St[r]ain the Beer on it while boiling Hot. let this stand till it is little more than Blood warm then put in a quart of Yea[s]t if the Weather is very Cold cover it over with a Blank[et] & let it Work in the Cooler 24 hours then put it into the Cask—leave the bung open till it is almost don[e] Working—Bottle it that day Week it was Brewed."

All he had to do was make enough beer to get the electoral college drunk and wallah the Presidency was his.

Video is not the most relevant or politically correct but it does bring up some interesting facts about George Washington you may have not been aware of.


Friday, February 18, 2011

Beer 30

a hypothetical time of day uttered in response to the question of "what time is it." when consumption of said malted beverage becomes an event that is either inevitable or required to proceed with life as we know it in modern society. No other time expression exists with beer in it, ie. there is no beer fifteen, or quarter to beer, there is also not a half past a beer or beer forty five. If it is not exactly beer thirty when someone asks you just say its getting close to beer thirty.

While perousing the .99 store the other I decided to check out the alcohol Isle.  Once in a awhile they have some palatable wine. 

(most of the time you end up with vinegar)

It's gotta be a pretty big basket.

Most of the time they have some sort cheap beer you can not find anywhere else. 
Today I came across these bad boys.

Beer 30 Light 4.0 ABV
How could I resist ?

At $.59 a can I was sold.  I dig the creative marketing.  Checking the clock on the can Beer 30 seems to be at about 4:57

I was pretty sure the beer would be a step down from Keystone Light, but what the Hell.
Beer 30 Ice 5.5 ABV

It's pretty hard to make a light beer that unpalatable but 9 times out of 10 Ice beer is pretty gross and must be pounded fast

I decided to drink both at the same time so that I could compare the flavors more accurately.


Beer 30 Light:   D+

Better than water from a rusty pipe.  

Beer 30 Ice:   D-

The faster you drink it the more likely it will get finished.  Each sip tasted worse than the one before. I think they call it ICE beer because it tasted like it had freezer burn. 

Usually I use beer to wash down my food.
It took 3 avocados wort of Guacamole to cleanse the beer taste from my tongue.

Now thats what I call a  beer

Cheers to the marketers of Beer 30 It made me laugh and I'm glad I spent the $.59 on each beer so that you don'y have to.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Campari, a favorite amoungst myself, screaming monkeys, old asian ladies and the greatest drunk that ever lived.

So fowl you'll come back for seconds to make sure your tastebuds wern't lieing.

Booze Fairy Clown  (Creepy?)

About 6 years ago my friend first introduced me to Campari. When I first tried it it was mixed with soda and served on the rocks I think. On first taste my initial reaction was a very common one "That's the most disgusting drink I ever had." I couldn't understand what  my friend saw in this fruity herb infused bitter liqueur.  Well the night progressed and the libations flowed.  I couldn't stop thinking about that disgusting drink. I had to try it again. The booze fairy clown had taken control of my senses, this time I drank it straight and the taste was sublime. Almost a symbiotic maybe parasitic relationship the taste grew on me and became part of who I was.

The best way to get the monkey off your back is to get him drunk

If I'm gonna be writing about it.  Maybe I should be under it's spell. Since I don't drink alone, I poured a few sips for my friend

 First glass drank straight (as I do).  He only weighs about 6oz but has an amazing tolerance for his size. I think the flavor may have been too powerful for him. He was rather buzzed after round 1.

For his second drink I mixed it with soda and one of those giant Makers Mark Ice cubes.  The monkey was happy.

A few years ago I had a gig where I went from bar to bar drinking for free working for a beverage company.  Every once in awhile I get the desire for some Compari.  At one bar they literally had to blow dust off the bottle before serving it to me. About half the bartenders said nobody had ever touched the stuff, the others all pretty much had the same story about serving it to some old Asian ladies once in a blue moon.  A few of the bartenders had a drink with me (I think they lost respect for my palate but gained respect toward my drunkardness).  Sadly at more than one bar once I finished their bottle (over an extended period of time) they never replenished their stock.  I had one female bartender that loved seeing me drink the stuff straight.  She was a sweet girl and couldn't believe that anyone actually liked this stuff (after I had her try it). She had a grin from ear to ear watching me consume my drink.  This made me happy and honestly I would have drank cat pee to see that smile.  (I miss that girl)

One of the best Bartenders In Long Beach told me a story about  his favorite customer during the 80's. The Bartender passed away last year and perhaps this knowledge lies in only me.

Known to drink 7,000 calories worth of booze a day

I was told he come in and polish multiple bottles in one sitting.  He loved Compari it was his drink of choice.(at this particular bar) I like to think that perhaps the stock I was drinking was remnants of the surplus needed to quench the giants thirst years before. It sat dormant in the cellar until a chosen drunkard like myself came to embrace it's sweet repugnant flavor.

Perhaps my friend the bartender is laughing in his grave right now and told this story to everyone.  I can picture the next guy behind me ordering a Bloody Mary. The bartender looks at him and says "You know back in the 80's Andre the Giant use to come in here and drink Bloody Marys all day long."

Perhaps it was just a trick written in the bartenders handbook chapter 3 page 57.
I personally chose to think he was telling the truth.
When the Giant is concerned I shall ?


If your not familiar with this image watch 
a really interesting documentary on street art

Some truly evil bastards also drank Campari
I think this ad appeared in Hustler

The sad thing is if this satire were true I'd probably have better opinion of this pathetic excuse for a man

Present day

In 2010 Campari turned 150 years old.  For a disgusting drink to most, they must be doing something right.  In the world of booze they are a powerful company and they even bought my standard bourbon of choice.

Wild Turkey is not owned by Kentucky Hillbilly's but 

 Sexy Italian women. AKA Campari

Wild turkey is my drink of choice. Call me a philanthropist if you want.  I like to to think my debauchery helps pay for their education.


In the great battle to overcome smart decision making and rational thought, one has many choices.  Sure, almost anybody can take the path of Bud light and Jose Cuervo and end up puking in their driveway.
I challenge you to be brave, test your limits of taste, give Campari  a try and then curse me afterwards

"Why the f**k di I waste $20 listening to that dumb ass drunk blabbering on his blog."

Why you ask?

Without testing our limits how will we ever know what we are capable of.

What am I capable of?

Well tonight the answer is easy getting drunk
Good night
be warned that 
 Booze Fairy Clown   is a sneaky little bastard.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Twist off Uber Alice

The fridge
I got a bunch of nice bottles of wine for X-mas and all of them have corks. IT"S 2010 NOT 1584.  All wine should come with a twist off cap or in a box!  Using a cork simply takes too long.  Yes I have opened wine bottles with my shoe (but I don't where shoes anymore) I've shoved the cork down using a pen and a book (but now use a e-reader and I can't risk breaking my pen, you know in casae I have to sign some autographs, lol) I'll make an exception for champagne but the person opening the bottle must promise to shoot the cork out across the room (preferably at someone who doesn't see it coming)  The cork is an outdated tradition that does not belong on modern drunkards  drinking vessel.  
Stone circle county Cork
Maybe I'm taking a little to far.  My family the "Sweeney's" are from the County of Cork in Ireland.  But really are they drinking wine?  If your gonna use a cork do it like the Bourbon companies do, twist off!
Only a drunk would drink alone.
The screaming monkey and I had a fun night.  His tolerance is little less than mine and I found him right where I left him the next morning.

Call me drunk, call me lazy just don't call me over to use your corkscrew.  

While on the subject all beer in the United States should be twist off as well.  In my younger years I can remember waking up the next morning after a lascivious evening and finding cuts on the palm of my hand in the shape of a bottle cap.  Pop top's are Okay for a country like Mexico who uses thicker gauge bottles that returned to the brewery and re filled but in the states where are bottles are taken to a recycling plant it makes no sense.  So unless to bottles are to be used again by a local brewery or are used for home-brewing (both perfectly good exceptions). 

 Down with the cork.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Makers Mark Ambassador

It was that time of year again.  Time for my annual present from Markers Mark.  For about the last 6 X-masses they have sent me gifts, ranging from swizzle sticks, wrapping paper to a stick of wax and with a Makers Mark stamp to seal my documents.  There was a time when makers was my bourbon of choice.  I even have my name inscribed on a barrel somewhere in their distillery I believe it reads "Sweeney the Great"

This year they sent my a Maker's Mark Ice tray that makes giant spheres of ice.  Back in the day i used to drink my bourbon on the rocks or mixed with water.  But the only reason I do such things is too make my drink last longer at the bar.  I no way to I advocate such actions if your goal is inebriation.  One of the best gifts I received this X-mas was a 1.75 Bottle of Maker's my sister gave me and since they sent me the gift I thought I might as well give it a try at least once.

Well I thought it looked kind of cool but when I went to drink it my bourbon tasted watered down.  My palate likes strong bourbon over 100 proof. Girlie bourbon like Jack Danial's at 80 proof taste like water and cowboy pee.  Makers is a step up at 90 proof but it is no Wild Turkey 101.  Even before I finished my first glass I took the ice out cupping my hands around the glass in a pitiful attempt to warm it up.  I appreciate the gift but I shall not be using these balls of ice in my drink.  I have much more devious plans in store.

The perfect crime leaves no evidence, it this case it just melts away.
Look out crystal cathedral